Her ghost has trapped me in a hall of mirrors
Each reflection only able to catch the smoke from my heels
The dust has settled but you can never
Press the soil back down after you’ve disturbed it
And oh God how I’ve disturbed
You can run so fast that the speed gun’s screen cracks
But within every spider web fracture
Is a girl who you buried
…
Her hand emerges from a shallow, rushed grave
Grasping for yours, begging you to take hold
But you won’t
To touch her skin again is to grant her reality
It’s admitting she was ever alive to begin with
And how can you forget like that?
I know it isn’t to forget,
Oh God, I know I never can
…
The fractals stare back at me
I can only see struggle
She fought, and she scrapped
But the shit she took was all in vain
The bruises and spit coat her like a pollock
An abstract representation of something who used to be someone
…
Never again can she be the positives
I strip her of her joy and her love
All you are is a chew toy and I’m done teething
I hope you fucking rot in that grave
You stupid, stupid child
You should’ve known better
Did you ever care how it would look?
Did you ever think about how it might feel?
…
But she didn’t
The same way a child doesn’t think how
Hard the ground below is
When the sky is just so tempting
Am I any different?
In a lot of ways I think she was better than me
More ambitious, kind, and daring
I was wrong
Oh God, can you forgive me?
Can you forgive me for the girl?
Can you forgive me for myself?
It’s not so hard for him but I am here on the earth…
The ground.
And so I pack the dirt beneath my still, silent shoes
I let a bouquet of flowers fall to the grave…
She fills my now empty grip with her own hand
And we embrace
Knowing that neither of us has to be buried
After all